I almost wasn’t a photographer
I’d like to tell you a story.
Once upon a time, I was making my living as a professional dancer. I was starting to burn out, though. I had first danced for a major company and was a small fish in a big pond. Then I left and became a big fish in a small pond somewhere else. I toured the United States with those companies. Then, near the end of my 20’s I danced all over the world after joining the production cast on a cruise ship, with the intention of saving money to become a parent.
I was going to become a parent via surrogacy. But to my utter disbelief, I not only lost my son to miscarriage…I became a victim of a surrogacy scam and had an ongoing police case for a full year.
I’m pretty sure, looking back, that this was the darkest chapter of my life…at least, in the limited time that I’ve been a human being. But during that time, something incredible happened: I said yes to becoming a professional photographer, well before I thought I was ready.
A friend of a friend had seen my work and wanted to hire me as her wedding photographer. now by “my work”, I do mean the results of playing around with my first DSLR as a frequent wedding guest. But despite my own self-criticism and limiting beliefs, she was fully prepared to hire me.
I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard.
Why? Because I was not a professional. I had no idea how to photograph an entire wedding from start to finish by myself. And I had absolutely no idea what to charge…or even how to accept money for this hobby that I had.
But as I sat on the decision…and after speaking with a very wise life coach…I realized that I had no idea what else I was going to do with my life moving forward. I had walked away from my professional dance career…I had lost my son…I had no job…and I was running out of money, and hope, very quickly.
So before I could talk myself out of it, I picked up the phone and agreed to do the wedding. I sold my old gear and upgraded…And three months later…by some miracle…I survived professionally photographing my first wedding.
I almost wasn’t a dancer
I say “by some miracle”, but it really wasn’t. It just felt like a miracle, since I had walked into that wedding day with complete uncertainty in my ability to survive it, not to mention take one photograph that was in focus.
In reality, I got through the wedding because I prepared.
I crammed for that wedding like my life depended on it. And by saying “yes”, I knew I had a deadline. I pushed and pushed myself…read books…took two groupon classes…enrolled in an online course…watched endless video tutorials…became addicted to pinterest…studied and studied the work of other photographers…and more than anything, I kept putting one foot in front of the other while heading towards the finish line.
Unbeknownst to me, the “finish line” would just be the beginning. But it all started because I said “yes” to something that scared me.
My second year of ballet training. Photo Credit: My Mom
Years later, wearing almost the exact same outfit onstage with Miami City Ballet. Photo Credit: Bob Mooney
The same thing happened when I was a child.
at 7 years old I was quickly becoming obsessed with ballet after seeing “The Nutcracker” on television. My parents agreed to sign me up for ballet classes. But when the day arrived for me to start, I froze up and couldn’t walk into the class. I felt terrified….overwhelmed…and utterly paralyzed with fear.
My mother walked into the class by herself and spoke to the teacher, who said I was welcome to wait outside and take the next class, instead. I’m not sure how I agreed, but I did. I took my first ballet class that day. I took my second the following Saturday. And I kept doing that over and over again. Until suddenly I was a teenager.
I didn’t want to be a professional ballet dancer at first; I wanted to be a doctor. But I kept taking classes. One day at a time. Until one day it hit me: I did want to be a professional. I did want to turn that hobby of mine into a job. And after years and years of hard work, I was offered a contract with one of the top ballet companies in the country. IT still blows my mind that it actually happened.
And I wouldn’t have been able to sign that first contract…or perform alongside some of the most amazing artists in the world…if I had not said “yes” to walking into an intimidating ballet class many years before. And continuing to say “yes” to every ballet class over the years, one at a time.
Success doesn’t happen overnight
I look back at that first wedding and I feel lots of emotions. I feel proud…really proud…that I got through it. I feel gratitude for the couple trusting me with so little experience behind me. And, truthfully, I feel frustration. I look at the images now…and if I could redo everything, I would photograph their day so differently.
But I had to photograph them the way that I did, otherwise my journey as a photographer would have been very different.
My style has evolved at a rapid pace since that first wedding. And while this website is dedicated to magazine-style portraits for women, I am also a Denver family photographer (with the very, very occasional wedding). Both genres have become things I specialize in. But that did not happen overnight.
The following images are from the very beginning of my professional career compared to my most recent work. It’s important to note that my early clients were posing the way I posed them…lit the way I chose to light them…and edited the way I knew how to edit. My clients did not magically become better…I just really didn’t know what I was doing when I started. I became increasingly desperate to evolve in the direction of the artists I idolized most…and one session at a time, I became a better photographer.
I am still on a journey. But here is how far I’ve come, so far.
(for a side by side view, please turn your phone horizontally, or view on a desktop or tablet)
Wedding Couples Before
Engaged Couples before
Babies Before
Groom portraits before
Self-portrait before
Bridal Portraits Before
Women’s portraiture Before
Wedding Couples Now
Engaged Couples now
Babies Now
Groom portraits now
Self-portrait Now
Bridal Portraits Now
Women’s Portraiture Now
One day out of your life
When I began this journey, long before I was a professional, I was already scaring the shit out of myself by dreaming far too big.
What I mean by that is, I was dreaming so big…so far down the line…that I couldn’t help but focus on how far I was from my self-inflicted “finish line”. I would look at the professionals…even other hobbyist photographers…and feel so very, very inferior to them. I felt I would never be any good and that my work would always be awful.
I still sometimes cannot believe that this image exists for one of my own clients. The first time I ever saw images from the Jardin du Luxembourg in Paris, it was from a photoshoot for Vera Wang. I was certain I could never plant my feet in the same place as that fancy photographer…but by putting one foot in front of the other I proved myself wrong, and eventually created this.
Perhaps there is something you dream about achieving or experiencing in your life. Perhaps you’ve never even said it out loud. And perhaps you’ve never taken even one little step towards that goal because of the same mistake I made: dreaming too big, too fast.
Now please do not think, for one tiny second, that I do not believe in goal setting or vision boards or aiming high. I do. I believe in all of that!
What I have found, though is that the end goal you want to achieve is quite possibly going to be one day out of your life once you finally achieve it. That promotion…that award…that vacation…that marriage proposal…that new car…that day you own a business…they are all one day out of your life.
The real work is in the before and the after.
Whether it’s the work that you must do on yourself once you’re in the committed relationship that you’ve dreamt about, coping with the new responsibilities at your office once you’ve received that long-awaited promotion, or figuring out how to maintain a healthy work/life balance after you have become an overworked business owner and entrepreneur, the truth remains: the most important work…and the most fulfilling joy…exists in the before and after of the day your dream comes true.
But you will never get there if you dream too big on day one, to the point that you scare yourself into never even taking the smallest action.
One brick at a time
I have been a photographer for over a decade, but I’ve only been a business owner a few years. I never wanted to own a business…it kind of just “happened”, as if the ripples of my life pushed me to the challenge. And while it’s a challenge I decided to embrace and take on, several years later I still feel like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.
But I don’t need to. That is, I don’t need to know how to get to the end goal by the end of today. And neither do you.
All you need to do is show up, do the work, and put one foot in front of the other in the general direction of your biggest dream. it is fine to dream big when you go to bed at night. You should. But when you wake up each morning, dream small. Dream about achieving one small task that maybe scares you a bit, but will get you one tiny step further on your journey by the end of the day.
You may feel like you’re moving at a glacial pace. You may feel as if you are trying to build a house one brick at a time, but only allowed to lay one brick a day. I get the frustration. I’m right there with you!
But one day, you will show up and look at those bricks that you’ve laid one day at a time. And your jaw will drop. because in amazement, you will realize that you’re standing in front of a whole house. Perhaps not the design you originally intended, but a house, nonetheless. And it will exist because you said yes to putting one brick on top of the other, one at a time, day after day.
I don’t know what your dream is, but I believe in it. And I believe in you. You do not need to know the perfect way to start a new journey. But by all means, Start! a future version of you is asking you…begging you…to say “yes” to something small today.
Will you?
“Start by doing 1 push up. Start by drinking 1 cup of water. Start by paying toward 1 debt. Start by reading 1 page. Start by making 1 sale. Start by deleting 1 old contact. Start by walking 1 lap. Start by attending 1 event. Start by writing 1 paragraph. Start today. Repeat tomorrow.”
